I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
