APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
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