Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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