now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
how drunk are you?
Several
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
