she looked like the bat from fern gully.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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