Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
