I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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