we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
