I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Randomize
