That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Randomize
