I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
