it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Randomize