My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
