woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
