You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
