Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
