yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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