i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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