1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
