Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
