how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
