I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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