If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
