I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Randomize
