So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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