if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
