I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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