just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
