i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
