She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
