FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
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I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
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She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
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