the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Randomize
