So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
