Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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