I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Is it penis luge time yet?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
