i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I feel great
I just peed on a car
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
