so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Randomize
