I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
