so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Randomize
