a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
