if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
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