Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
