i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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