If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
