My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
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New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
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And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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