Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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