i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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