I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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