dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
