I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
