Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
