Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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