you guys were way drunker than both of me
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
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Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
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In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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