I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
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