Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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