do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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