i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Randomize
