just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
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You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
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gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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